Week 5:A week of hard lessons

In all my previous blogs, I have been able to come to you with stories of amazing things that the Lord has been doing here in Nigeria and tell of ways in which the Lord has shown me more of Himself and His heart through activities that I have been involved in. But today, I cannot write such a blog. I say this not because God has in some way ceased to do such things or work in such amazing ways, but because I have had a very different lesson to learn this week in a very different way than before.

As I mentioned before, Allison and I went out to the ECYA camp to be the camp nurses on Saturday morning and our week started out fun! It was great to see the staff that we had grown close to over the staff training days last week and it made us really excited for the camp. We had our own table at the registration and we were to ask the kids if they had any medical problems we needed to know about or concerns we should be aware of as they came through the line of registration. It was fun to get to see all of the about-60 kids file past us and greet them and ask them questions and write down their names and see the faces of those we were to love and care for the needs of the rest of the week. That night and Sunday morning was full of taking care of peoples headaches, coughs, and other little things as well as joining in with the amazing singing, meetings, prayer times and our duties of inspecting each “hut” (cement buildings) in the morning and then teaching piano lessons (on the one keyboard we were provided with) for the activity we were asked to teach that they titled “Learn ‘D piano”. It was challenging but so much fun.

I had been feeling tired all day Sunday and felt that I was getting a headache, which was actually the first headache I have had since arriving on the African continent (Praise the Lord!). So at rest hour I lay down to take a nap and realized that my headache was rapidly turning into a migraine. “Oh no” I said to Allison, “I am an idiot. I think I pushed myself too much and it’s at migraine status...” I mumbled as I buried my head in my jacket to block out all noise and light. For the next 24 hours I was pretty much just that: buried away from the world. I had no idea what was going on except that Allison would come and gently wake me up and tell me that she was coming or going but that I should just sleep. I heard her but I couldn’t ever quite understand what was going on except I knew that my head was still hurting really bad and I felt exhausted. Monday afternoon I finally woke up a little. I felt so guilty that I had been sleeping so long and was so “weak” as to be in bed from a migraine for 24 hours that I forced myself to dress and insisted that I go up to the afternoon activities. For about 4 hours I was up and helped around with as much as I could here and there and sitting most of the time. But by the time dinner was served I was exhausted and could barely stand. I sat on the floor and Allison insisted on taking my temperature—low grade fever. Allison held me up as we shuffled through the darkness of the Nigerian night back to the staff house and I heard the kids begin singing back in the main hall. I started to cry. “What’s so fair about me being sick and not even being able to stand up and walk on my own right now God?” I thought to myself. But it was back to bed for me again. That night and the rest of Tuesday I was in bed, sleeping mostly, with no energy to do anything else. Renee came in Tuesday afternoon and sat down on the bed next to me and said “Ok here’s the deal cutie. There has been an executive decision made that you need to come back to town with us tonight when I take the STAMP team” (a team from Moody Bible Institute) .. “I know you don’t want to and wouldn’t if we didn’t make you, so we are going to make you. We think you need to be tested for malaria.” WHAT! I DON’T HAVE MALARIA AND I DON’T WANT TO GO HOME! YOU CANT SEND ME HOME! I AM SUPPOSED TO BE THE NURSE! I CANT BE SICK! Everything inside me was screaming... but logically I knew they were right in their decision to at least get me tested, rule it out and send me home to rest. “You’re right I wouldn’t go if you didn’t make me, but I understand why you are making me, so I will go.” I said yieldingly, peering out at her from my cave of darkness I had made myself to shield my eyes from the light that caused so much pain and discomfort. “Good, we will come and get you tonight..” She said with a smile, knowing how hard it was for me to give in and feeling for me but wanting the best for my health at the same time. A growing feeling of frustration and anger closed even stronger over me, toward God and mostly toward myself.

The rest of the afternoon and evening I was sleeping and in the evening I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired that I slowly and carefully shuffled out of my “dungeon” and ventured into the living room area of the staff house. Although it was a little bright for my eyes, I was able to journal a little and process a few things through writing. I have to admit with you that I have an idea of what God is trying to teach me by allowing an illness during my time in Nigeria, but for some reason, every time I experience pain I feel the same anger and I ask the same questions. I hear the same answers and I respond the same way. Why so stubborn Alisha? Hahaha... good question. If you will, let me share with you a deep part of my heart. This is very difficult for me, to be vulnerable, to be broken, to show you my innermost thoughts, to show you a melancholy and heavy side of my heart, but I have been asked by God this week to trust Him more and more and so here is just another baby step of faith...
...perhaps you can relate to some of these thoughts...

...“I don’t think it’s malaria because I think I would have a much higher fever, but I do admit that my other symptoms are scarily similar. But the biggest one is the fever, and it would be higher, so I don’t know what’s going on. I hate this. I hate feeling bad. I hate being a wimp. I hate not knowing what’s wrong but feeling awful. I hate that people have to wait on me instead of my getting to wait on others. I don’t know what God is trying to teach me, but I hate the lesson. I know I am being stubborn and I’m probably not listening, but seriously, haven’t we been through this a million times? I feel like I’ve said ‘ok, I surrender, the pain is too much for me to handle God!’ thousands of times, is it that I just need to say it one more time? I hate being mad at God and it seems like I am when I need Him the most. So am I just mad till the point of breaking? ...to the point of using God like a lucky charm?... like a genii that’s going to fix my problems as soon as I call upon Him? NO!!! That’s not the way it works, and yet there seems to be some cycle. Some cycle I can’t break free of because every time I cringe with pain I become more stubborn, then I let go, then I’m fine again, then I’m in pain, I become stubborn, I let go then I’m fine again. WHY? Why can’t I just learn to let go the FIRST time? I’m so tired of being stubborn that now I’m too tired to let go...”

I realize that because journaling is more free writing, some of the thoughts do not make as much sense as perhaps if I would explain in eloquent language all my phrases of feelings and emotions that I have merely jotted roughly down on the pages of my journal, but I think it gives you a very clear idea of where my heart is, was, has been, (I’m not sure what tense to use). But before I continue to talk about the lessons God has been teaching me, first let me tell you about the rest of my week.

Tuesday night after I journaled and struggled through my thoughts, I was fed by and fellowshipped with a family from New Zealand, the Gills, who are helping with the ECYA camp this summer. I found their company very amusing (three kids ages 12,10 and 9) and encouraging. I was taken back to Evangel and made it in bed that night.
The next day it was planned for me to meet Dr. Sampson at the pediatric ward to get tested for Malaria. SO I woke up feeling slightly stronger and a little less headachy but with more nausea and dizziness. I made the slow trek down to the hospital and it took me about three times as long because I was walking so slowly, but I finally made it. The test was NEGATIVE!! =) So no malaria for me. Dr. Sampson said that it was probably just a nasty virus that mimics malaria and that will run its course and hopefully will be gone in a weeks time or so with rest. As I wrote to one friend... “So the good news is I don’t have little parasites running around blowing up my red blood cells.. and the bad news is there are no drugs for me to take to feel better so I have to just rest. REST? BORING. God would.” =)

But I’m stubborn still and think I am strong and did not want to be alone on my BIRTHDAY, (yes it was my 20th birthday...) and so I decided to go back to camp Wednesday afternoon and come back to Evangel to sleep again with the team in the evening. (*QUICK FUNNY* The real (wink wink) reason I wanted to go out to go back out to camp was that Allison had brought from the USA some peanut M&Ms for my birthday that we have been diligently saving for the last 5 weeks and practicing some REAL self control not eating the whole time.. and I couldn’t eat them by myself, and I couldn’t NOT eat them after all we had suffered in our waiting.. So I just had to go out and be with her so we could eat them together. =) ... and let me tell you, it was a glorious moment eating them together on my birthday!!!) I’m really glad I went back out because it was fun. It was good to see the staff and they were all really happy to see me and find out how I was feeling. They were really sweet and the whole camp sang happy birthday to me! I also got to sit in on the end-of-camp camp-fire where all the testimonies about the week are shared and it was a really sweet time of hearing how the Lord had been working in the kids lives that week. And then I got to say a final goodbye to all the staff. My heart was really sad when I had to say goodbye to these brothers and sister and felt that I had known them all for years. It struck me that I may not see these brothers and sisters again until we meet again in heaven.

Thursday and Friday were full of resting again. Naps, sitting around, writing, thinking, eating when I could and trying to drink lots of fluids (for you mom) =) The guys made dinner for us Thursday night and made a really yummy and cute birthday cake for me which was so fun! I was only bad once on Friday and convinced Allison I was strong enough to taxi with her to SIM headquarters to get money out of our accounts for our last week. I barely made it back, but it ended up good and I just rested the whole rest of the day. Saturday was fun too! A girl from N. Ireland arrived to stay with us for our last week because she is going to be living in this apartment for the next six weeks. Her name is Gemma and she is a doll! Allison and I love her already, she is so sweet! We also had Bobby and Joseph over for dinner so the 7 of us (including Tim and Dan) had a birthday dinner for me and ANOTHER birthday cake that Allison made! It was REALLY cute too! I guess when you turn 20 you get 2 birthday cakes, one for each decade you have successfully completed?? Well I don’t know about the successfully...=) but it was good cake and good fellowship with all so we had a good time. I was feeling a little stronger that morning but by dinner only had enough strength to help cook sitting down and eventually was kicked out of the kitchen. KAI! (a Nigerian phrase like “wow” or “geez”).. It’s tough sitting around while other people are working...

So back to talking about the lessons God is teaching me...
Weakness: it is one of the most frustrating things to me. When I cannot even walk 100 feet without feeling dizzy and getting tired or stand long enough to cook dinner I am so angry at myself. WHY? YOU ARE SICK SILLY ...you might be thinking. I know. But I don’t think this way. You see, I love having strength and need strength because I love to be doing things, doing things for people, doing things to keep myself busy, doing things for the Lord to bring him glory. I am a doer. I LOVE to be doing. I find that I can serve God when I am doing things, and in a sense I feel that I am more deserving of the love of God when I am ‘doing’ and serving Him. And here, my dear supporters, friends, I am utterly mistaken. There is NOTHING, wait.. let me say that again.. NOTHING, I can do that will make God love me more, nor is there anything I can do to make God love me less. Here is the lesson I have been learning this week... really I can summarize it much better in a poem I wrote this week...

Who is strong and what is strength?
Is it you oh man?
You who build towers so tall and
Command the strength of a beast.
You who sail the many seas in your strong vessels
You who conquer foreign lands to prove your power and strength
You who study your world to gain understanding
So that you might wield your strength over it.

But tell me, Oh man, where is your strength, then in
You whose towers topple and
Work of a hundred years is destroyed in seconds
And tell me of strength in
You who are overpowered, outwitted, out-sensed by the beasts you long to tame.
You who command a vessel of the sea but remain victims and captives to it’s whims.
You who destroy your own kind for pleasure and revel in the never ending blood bath.
You who have studied for thousands of years
But are still perplexed with the simplest of questions.

But listen to me, Oh man, Oh mortal, and I shall tell you of strength, for it was
I who built the heavens and the earth and
I who have the strength to maintain or destroy it.
It is I who created all beasts both great and small
And they bow at the sound of My voice.
I who, with one word, can calm the seas or enrage the heavens.
I who never act unjustly in my anger but carry out judgment with perfect severity.
I who created all things so intricate and so beautiful
Simply because it pleases Me and I find it good.

You are not strong, Man
But I do not love you for your strength.
I love you because I made you
And out of all the complexity, power, beauty and strength
I made your heart and soul to be free
To think and love and feel
Just like me.
This is why, Oh man, I love you.
Not for you strength, you see?


I am still working through my frustrations of pain and weakness, but I think it is exactly the lesson God wants me to keep learning, “Be still, and know that I AM GOD”. He does not want our strength or our actions, He wants our hearts, surrendered and soft to whatever He has each day of our lives. I want so much to give up my stubbornness and allow God to be the first one I run to as soon as pain or unexpected circumstances arise and not my pride or my own strength to be what keeps me going.

I realize that this may not be the blog that some of you may have been hoping for or expecting, and yet I had such a clear conviction that I needed to share with you my heart and my struggles. I do not know why the Lord put it so heavily on my heart to write this all to you: perhaps it is so that you might be able to pray for me more specifically or perhaps that the Holy Spirit might speak through something I have said that speaks to something in your life, maybe a struggle we share.

Whatever it may be that the Lord is doing in your life, know that He wants your heart first and not your actions. Know that He is a God that will not love you more or less for what you DO, but loves you fervently because you are YOU and He created you. Know that He is patient through our stubbornness and is always waiting for us to come back to say for the thousandth time “ok Lord, I know. I need you. I can’t do this on my own...I get it”

Don’t be stubborn. He might allow you to get a nasty virus to lay you flat, slow you down and teach you a few things... =)

Maranatha!!!!
Alisha
“In his heart a man plans his course but the Lord determines his steps” Proverbs 16:9


ps. Quick update: I wrote my blog Saturday night and it is now Sunday night when I am posting my blog (due to internet connection) and I just wanted to ask you all to please PRAY for me, I am again feeling worse, fever again and they have put my on anti-malarials. Dr. Truxton had us all over for lunch and when she heard about my week and saw me she said she thought it was malaria because I wasn’t getting better and if it were a virus I would be getting better by now instead of worse again. She said many times the tests may not turn up positive but it may still be malaria. Thanks for your continued prayers, we will see of these medicines work!

PRAISES
-We checked in on Blessing and she is OFF oxygen and IV therapy and is looking healthy and is doing really well!!! Praise the Lord!!!
-Camp went really well and there were no serious injuries or illnesses and the Lord worked in the lives of many!

PRAYER
-Pray that I would begin regaining some strength and that I would get out of pain with my headaches and body aches.
-Pray for our last week here in Nigeria! Pray that we would have sweet fellowship saying goodbye to all our dear friends and really have a good last week.